(Spoilers ahead)

 

The Men in Black are men with knacks

For stopping alien attacks.

Unknown to all, unseen, unheeded,

Wiping memories when needed,

They guard the earth from cosmic slime,

Quite often in the nick of time.

 

When Agent K hears tell one day

How one cop kept up with his prey,

He gives this James a valued chance

To prove his monster-fighting stance.

Though James is different from the rest,

He outshines all the best of the best.

 

A bug from space then steals a face

To blend in with the human race.

He seeks a galaxy to spoil

And kills an otherworldly royal.

 

The new recruit, who wants to shoot,

Investigates this “Edgar suit.”

A visit to the morgue presents

A corpse’s worrying contents.

 

Then, tit for tat, they all learn that

The galaxy is on a cat.

The bug takes it with hostage too

And plans to bid the earth adieu.

 

But J and K force him to stay

And make him angry, by the way.

K has to dig down deep inside

To leave the insect liquefied.

 

They’ve saved the earth, for what it’s worth,

But no one knows to offer mirth.

J now can face this world so vast,

And K can now retire at last.

_______________

 

The Men in Black are back in black

To stop another space attack.

A worm in supermodel guise

Desires a Light that’s cloaked in lies.

 

When Agent J is told that K

Alone knows details few can say,

He jogs K’s memory with haste,

Which earlier had been erased.

 

Serleena, who a young K knew,

Ensnares the MIB HQ,

And J and K must follow clues

To find the Light that she pursues.

 

It is opined a girl they find

Is not in fact of humankind.

The two must fight Serleena’s might

To rescue Laura, who’s the Light.

 

She must depart but waits to start,

And her migration breaks J’s heart.

They blow Serleena from the air

And get back to Earth’s watchful care.

__________________

 

The Men in Black again are back

To keep the timeline on its track.

When Boris gets some help to break

From lunar jail (don’t trust the cake),

He tries to kill K in the past,

Which changes history quite fast.

 

Since somehow J remembers K

And Boglodites are on their way,

J time-leaps with a strange device

Which proves surprisingly precise.

The ‘60s K considers him,

Although J’s evidence is slim.

 

They’re soon aware of when and where

Their foe will strike before he’s there.

They meet one Griffin, who can see

Each future possibility.

 

From him they get the prized ArcNet

To save Earth from invasion’s threat,

But now it must get into space

To activate and save our race.

 

The moon launch grants the perfect chance;

To Cape Canaveral they advance.

Both past and future Boris try

To stop the duo once they’re high.

 

The black-clad men from now and then

Succeed in saving Earth again;

The Borises and Boglodites

Fortuitously lose their fights.

 

A tragedy J gets to see

Confirms K’s latent sympathy.

Returning home, J’s glad to find

The friend with whom he saved mankind.

_________________

 

What can I say about the Men in Black films? They’re funny, weird, frequently gross, action-packed, mind-blowing, occasionally touching, and overall the best sci-fi/comedy/buddy movie mash-up I’ve seen. Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith make a perfect straight-man/funny-man team, and their differing reactions to all the bizarreness they encounter are priceless.

The first film was a huge success, both critically and commercially. Contributing a lighter tone to the Marvel/Malibu-published comic book on which it was based, the film lets its two leads bounce off each other effortlessly, fueled by a golden script. Their odd-couple chemistry is matched only by the amazing special effects and Oscar-winning make-up from Rick Baker. The first Men in Black is the most difficult to critique because it’s the closest to being downright perfect. The performances are infectiously fun, the villain (Vincent D’Onofrio) is brilliantly wicked and disgusting, the comic one-liners and hilarious situations are now classics (that rocket car scene with Elvis especially), and the whole film is simply inspired, from the way Siobhan Hogan pronounces “Eggar suit” to the straightforward method K uses to retrieve his swallowed gun. It’s also intermittently shocking in its gooey violence, particularly with Tony Shalhoub’s head-shooting scenes. (By the way, minor Lost alert: Fredric Lehne, the INS agent whom Mikey the alien charges at the beginning, played U.S. Marshall Edward Mars on my favorite show.)

The second film, released on the heels of the animated television show’s cancellation, is sorely lacking in several regards. The villainess is an alien-turned-lingerie model, whose gross scenes are more squirm-inducing than intimidating, and K’s supposed happy ending is dissolved by the lazy explanation that his wife left him. Likewise, there is more of a focus on the worm guys and Frank the pug, potentially irritating characters that are better taken in small doses, as the first film did. Beyond that, many of K’s clues to himself seem rather arbitrary, and by the end, when the fate of the world depends on Laura launching away, both J and K can do nothing but stare regretfully at her. All that’s not to say that the second one is without redeeming value. I loved the scenes with Jeff the giant subway worm and Agent M’s cameo, and Rosario Dawson is naively beautiful as Laura, though it’s unclear what her ultimate fate is when she returns to the home planet she’s never visited. Overall, Men in Black II felt like a direct-to-video-quality effort that didn’t need to be made.

Still, without MIIB, we would never have gotten MIB³, which breathed some new life into the franchise, though whether it paved the way for another sequel or served as an agreeable conclusion is still undecided. I’ve made no secret about my love for time travel, and throwing this device into the plot was genius. Though I once thought that no one could fill the shoes of Smith or Jones, Josh Brolin is incredible as a younger version of K and smoothly inhabits the stoic persona Jones wore so well. It’s not quite as funny as the first film, but Jemaine Clement’s Boris the Animal is a worthily nasty MIB villain, and the finale that works in the 1969 moon launch is outstanding, as is the emotional twist absent from the other two films. As with any time travel story, there are details to quibble over, but that’s for another post maybe. (Though I do wonder why they needed to use Apollo 11 to get the ArcNet into space. With all the aliens already on Earth, did the MIB really not have access to a spaceship of some kind? Also, the question of what made K “this way” is never fully answered, but it seems obvious from the second film. He became grumpy and emotionless most likely because Serleena killed the alien monarch he loved, but maybe that’s too obvious.)

Men in Black didn’t need to be a trilogy, but despite the weaknesses of the second, I’m glad it was, if only for the timey-wimey third film. The original movie remains a high point in modern science fiction, and a lesser staple of pop culture.

Best line from MIB: (Beatrice, Edgar’s wife, when two FBI agents come calling) “You here to make fun of me too?”

(deadpan K) “No, ma’am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we’re aware of. May we come in?”

 

Best line from MIIB: (Laura, after a fight) “Half the time you were on your back!”

(J) “That’s how I fight.”

 

Best line from MIB³: (Griffin, played by Michael Stuhlbarg) “A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway.”

 

Artistry: 7

Characters/Actors: 9

Entertainment: 10

Visual Effects: 10

Originality: 9

Watchability: 10

Other (language, violence, sexual dialogue): -5

 

TOTAL: 50 out of 60

 

Next: #124 – Ghost

© 2014 S. G. Liput

203 Followers and Counting!

 

While on their way to Earth to face the music for their crimes,

Our favorite crew learns Earth’s in danger, as it is sometimes.

A giant probe is clouding Earth, depleting all its power,

With some peculiar signal making things worse by the hour.

 

When Spock (who was revived, you know) investigates the sound,

He learns it’s that of humpback whales, but there are none around.

Therefore, they must go back in time to find the needed whales.

They use the sun to slingshot round; I’ll spare you the details.

 

The latter 1900s is when they arrive and land,

To find whales which will be extinct because of mankind’s hand.

The Klingon ship they’re borrowing unfortunately broke,

But at least to hide their presence, it can disappear by cloak.

 

They split up there in San Francisco, and soon Spock and Kirk

Locate two whales and a girl involved with conservation work.

This Dr. Taylor asks them of their interest in cetaceans

And gets a crazy story and Kirk’s infamous flirtations.

 

The whales are soon released into the wild, unannounced,

And, with their ship replenished, they then leave some whalers trounced.

They save the whales and bring them back, with Dr. Taylor in tow,

And crash into the ocean, where the two whales swim below.

 

They calm the enigmatic probe, which leaves no worse for wear,

And seas and skies all stabilize, like it had not been there.

Since Kirk and crew have saved the Earth (again), Starfleet is wise,

And Kirk’s again the captain of a brand new Enterprise.

_____________________

 

Seeming to confirm the shortsighted theory that even-numbered Star Trek films are the good ones, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home was significantly lighter in tone than its predecessor and far more enjoyable: no cruel villain, no life-shattering deaths or losses. The plot, involving going back in time to retrieve extinct whales in order to communicate with a power-draining cylinder from space, is as outlandish as they come, yet it somehow works. This is thanks largely to the proven charm of the familiar actors, and, since ensembles are often hard to balance in these films, it’s satisfying to see each character given a chance to shine (except Uhura). Whether it’s McCoy’s grumbling about 20^th century medicine, Chekhov’s latent dreams of promotion, or Scotty’s introduction to a Mac computer, the humor is deftly woven into the plot so that, even though Earth’s fate hangs in the balance, no one’s afraid to have a little fun along the way. The resurrected Spock (still played by director Leonard Nimoy) is a particularly welcome return, and his fish-out-of-water frankness makes for some of the film’s comedic highlights.

Like most Star Trek episodes, there’s timely message included, namely the importance of conservation. “Save the Whales” may be an oft-used declaration, but it takes on new meaning when you consider that, if we don’t, a singing probe may one day destroy Earth.

There are some minor issues, aside from the fact that the more contemporary setting calls for more obscenities, or “colorful metaphors.” For instance, from the outside, that Klingon bird-of-prey doesn’t look like it could hold two grown humpback whales. Also, it’s unclear why Uhura, Kirk, and Scotty are in uniform while the others seem to be wearing civilian clothing. Plus, there’s a throwaway joke in which Dr. McCoy gives a sick woman a pill that regrows her kidney. Shoot, I didn’t know they were that advanced! (There’s an episode of Voyager in which someone’s lungs are stolen; why couldn’t they just regrow them with that magic pill?)

Despite these questions, The Voyage Home remains a favorite among Trekkers for good reason. It’s hard not to geek out when Kirk dramatically says, “Spock, start your computations for time warp.” The film has humor, excitement, a few high concepts, and time travel; what more does a Star Trek film need?

Best line: (Kirk, explaining Spock’s strangeness to Dr. Taylor) “Oh, him? He’s harmless. Back in the sixties, he was part of the free speech movement at Berkeley. I think he did a little too much LDS.”

 

Artistry: 7

Characters/Actors: 9

Entertainment: 8

Visual Effects: 7

Originality: 9

Watchability: 8

 

TOTAL: 48 out of 60

 

Next: #141 – Grave of the Fireflies

© 2014 S. G. Liput

186 Followers and Counting