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X-Men United? Well, not all that much.
There’s six or so heroes, and Rogue who can’t touch.
The rest of the mutants unfortunately
Line up with Magneto or stay absentee.
A cure for mutations has been synthesized,
And soon its great risk is sensationalized.
Meanwhile, Jean Grey has returned from the grave
To murder the friends that she perished to save.
As evil Magneto initiates war,
The X-Men fight back, as they’ve all done before.
For those wishing for Bryan Singer on hand,
This thankfully isn’t the X-Men’s last stand.
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When it comes to movies, I’m fairly easy-going. Even in films that others tear apart, I tend to see the positives and end up liking them to some extent (Spider-Man 3, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull). Yet there are a select few movies that I honestly despise, six special films that carry my cinematic slur of “bottom-dweller.” Not all of these are bombs; some were even critically lauded. Yet they all have something in common. They disappointed me deeply, and no film exemplifies this fault like X-Men: The Last Stand, a film that seemed at the time like a franchise killer.
Having seen it again, I believe it had the potential to be a worthy follow-up to the truly great sequel X2. The plotline involving a mutant cure poses a divisive “what-if” development that offers both hope and fear, and the characters’ reactions to it are believable for the most part. Except for some scenes with Angel’s wings, the special effects are top-notch, particularly Magneto’s hijacking of the Golden Gate Bridge. (I remember once seeing this movie the same day as Monsters vs. Aliens and noticing that both featured the same bridge’s destruction.) Had The Last Stand focused solely on the “cure” plot thread, it may not have gone so wrong, but its greatest mistake is the maddeningly disappointing adaptation of the famous “Dark Phoenix Saga” from the comics. (Spoilers ahead.)
Perhaps the Honest Trailer (a satirical YouTube video series) for the X-Men trilogy summed it up in stating that, after Brett Ratner’s taking over for original X-Men director Bryan Singer, we get to watch him “kill off your favorite characters, leave out your favorite characters, and depower your favorite characters.” The worst aspect of the film is its treatment, or rather mistreatment, of these characters. X2 ended with Jean Grey’s heroic sacrifice to save her teammates from certain death, and it offered a bittersweet conclusion that left room for more. Putting aside all the action of The Last Stand, this film essentially resurrects her, only for her to disintegrate her lover Cyclops, her mentor Professor X, and a whole lot of other people until she is finally taken down by Wolverine. Not only does this diverge from the comic source material, but it makes for an entirely unsatisfying superhero film, one in which major character deaths are given no nobility and the few hints at future film prospects are woefully deficient, considering the damage already done to the franchise.
Other complaints could range from the overstuffed, underdeveloped host of new characters (including [Lost alert] Ken Leung as a punk with retractable quills) to the underwhelming face-off between Iceman and Pyro to the continuity-clashing prologue in which Charles can walk and he and Magneto are still on good terms (First Class pretty much ignored this film). Plus, even if Magneto is the villain, he always seemed to have a misguided yet understandable reason for his villainy, but his abandonment of Mystique after she saved him makes him unnecessarily shallow and selfish. Despite the welcome additions of Kelsey Grammer and Ellen Page as Beast and Shadowcat, respectively, every single character was given short shrift and deserved so much better.
After this film, most subsequent X-Men films had to hearken back to the origins of its most popular characters since this film left little to work with, yet this movie certainly wasn’t a worthy conclusion to the original characters’ story. Ultimately, it took the return of Bryan Singer with X-Men: Days of Future Past to clean up the mess left by The Last Stand and give us the happy ending this bottom-dweller never could.
Best line: (Storm’s eulogy, one of the few genuinely poignant moments) “We live in an age of darkness: a world full of fear, hate, and intolerance. But in every age, there are those who fight against it. Charles Xavier was born into a world divided, a world he tried to heal… a mission he never saw accomplished. It seems it’s the destiny of great men to see their goals unfulfilled. Charles was more than a leader, more than a teacher. He was a friend. When we were afraid, he gave us strength. When we were alone, he gave us a family. He may be gone, but his teachings live on through us, his students. Wherever we may go, we must carry on his vision, and that is a vision of a world united.”
Rank: Bottom-Dweller© 2015 S. G. Liput
295 Followers and Counting
To soldiers we send to the other side
In pain and grief and bodies still—
Esteem is the least we can provide.
When enemies suddenly surfaced to kill,
Due honor was given to young Private Chance
In pain and grief and bodies still.
His body and others would no more advance.
Homeward he went with Marine Michael Strobl;
Due honor was given to young Private Chance.
Everywhere everyone noticed the noble,
Mournful delivery, precious cargo.
Homeward he went with Marine Michael Strobl.
No greater debt does society owe
To those who return in a flag-buried box,
Mournful delivery, precious cargo.
We mustn’t ignore those who bear our worst shocks.
To soldiers we send to the other side,
To those who return in a flag-buried box,
Esteem is the least we can provide.
_______________
Brave Athos and Porthos and Aramis three
Fell victim to fraud that they could not foresee.
These fine musketeers were the heroes of France
But now are in need of a grand second chance.
When reckless D’Artagnan arrives with his sword
And makes first impressions that garner reward,
The Cardinal Richelieu plots and conspires
To trigger a war with a helper he hires.
It’s up to D’Artagnan and those musketeers
To launch the great quest of their noble careers.
For king, queen, and country, and also romance,
They’ll sail for adventure to rescue all France.
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(Today’s
We are watchers on the wires;
We are tenants of the skies;
Symbols of when man aspires;
Keepers of the flinching eyes;
Witnesses of every creature,
Evil, good, and in between,
Whether as a nimbus reacher
Or a prisoner to preen.
We are victims cursed by weakness,
Kept by cage or mortal mesh;
Though you know us by our meekness,
We will feast upon your flesh.
We are biders of the ages;
We are conquerors in wait.
When our wingéd warring rages,
You will comprehend too late.
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Two years since the big divorce,
And Tracy Lord has no remorse.
The wealthy heiress soon will wed,
And tabloids, wanting to be read,
Will stop at nothing to inveigle
For what news they can finagle.
Macaulay Connor’s sent by Spy
To get the story none can buy,
Accompanied by pressured Dex,
Miss Lord’s both sore and spiteful ex.
To Lord’s dismay, she lets them stay,
Despite her coming wedding day.
Their presence tends to complicate
And spark unusual debate,
Which makes the vain Miss Tracy Lord,
That goddess always so adored,
To wonder of her selfish life
And who she’ll choose to call her wife.
______________________
News reporter Kimberly Wells was hired,
For her pretty face and the ratings it drew.
Hard news is the journalist’s grail desired,
Dauntless and brand new.
She discovers just such a story when she’s
Sent to film a nuclear power station.
Sudden shutdown captured on film may displease
That corporation.
Cautious Jack Godell at the plant is worried:
Noises from the accident he alone fears.
Work to bring the plant back online is hurried;
Nobody there hears.
Those behind the overpriced project will block
Whistleblowers trying to thwart their tactic.
Brave Godell’s forced warnings yet hope to cause shock
With stunt climactic.
_________________
Attorneys need a home in which to practice proper law.
Bendini, Lambert, Locke have quite the lawyer-luring draw.
Can anyone resist a wealthy, prosperous career?
Doubt not that it is tempting for young hotshot Mitch McDeere.
Enjoying all the pleasures that the firm has deigned to give,
Family and barbeques, a house in which to live,
Good times that lack a down side just as far as he can tell,
His wife and he are happy…till they lose some personnel.
In no time, Mitch is well aware that something isn’t right;
Jobs shouldn’t cause the FBI to come to you at night.
Know-nothing newbie lawyers like McDeere don’t have a clue;
Like often said, beware an offer too good to be true.
Mitch finds out that the mafia employ his newfound firm;
Nobody leaves the company or life becomes short-term.
On every side, there’s pressure: worry, guilt, concern, and shame,
Plus conscience-stinging ethics that he never can reclaim.
Qualms urge him to uncover ways to flee his latest job,
Replete with all the pleasures and the dangers of the mob,
So quick to reel him in and think that he would play along.
The Feds will be no friendlier should anything go wrong.
Undaunted by the challenge, Mitch discovers how to weigh
Veracity with justice at the climax of the day.
With those he cares the most for, he attempts a daring play;
Excitement follows after when the firm gets in the way.
Yet Mitch has all the intel and integrity he needs:
Zip right into the lion’s den and hope the plan succeeds.
_________________

Do you enjoy some boardwalk fun
Where music pleases everyone
After the setting of the sun,
Where there resides a hidden fright,
Where teens go out to grab a bite
And murky murder plagues the night?
Then move to Santa Carla!
That’s where both Sam and Michael found
That teenage vampires abound
In coastal towns that bum around.
The elder learned to not imbibe
The blood of some vampire tribe
That sends a vague and creepy vibe.
If that should happen, it is best
To not be overly distressed
But stake the suckers through the chest.
Beware the bikers you befriend
Who look like Kiefer Sutherland.
There’s evil eager to descend
If you move to Santa Carla.
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